The Story You've All Been Waiting to Hear

So... everybody knows that I was engaged this last summer and then called off the wedding. I've received loads of questions regarding the details of what happened, so to put it all to rest I am telling my story.

 Yes, I called off my wedding five days before the event, but it's a good thing.

  "But how can it be a good thing? You called off your wedding?!?!"

 It sure wasn't easy, but I can honestly and truthfully say that it was the best decision for me. I am so much happier now.

  "OMG, did you guys, like, mess up or something? Is that why you called it off?"

No, we did not make a mistake, I was and still remain completely temple worthy to this day.

  "Then why did you call it off?"

Simply put, he just wasn't the right guy. I think he was at one point in time. I received the personal confirmation that he was back in March, even my mom received a confirmation.

 Something just changed between then and now.

 In hindsight, I should have seen it coming. But what girl tries to point out every flaw of her relationship after it's just begun?

 I guess I'll start from the beginning.

 I met Nick last summer through my good friend Shelly. He had just got home from his mission and moved to Arizona to work for his uncle over the summer. Shelly had met him at FHE and then called to tell me about the new RM in the ward. Long story short, I helped them to get together that summer. And they continued to date into the fall up at BYU. But by October or November, they decided to break up.

 By December, Nick and I had become really good friends. And eventually, after hours and hours of texting and Skype chats, things ran their course and our little friendship had turned into something more. We started dating long distance in March and by then I pretty much knew that we were supposed to married. A few weeks later, I drove up to Provo with a good friend to visit for Spring Break. That was the first time I'd seen him since August the year before and the first time we'd been together since we started dating. That weekend we started making our first wedding plans.

 Fast forward to April 20th, the weekend of my dad's accident. Nick had secretly driven down to AZ to meet my parents and ask my daddy for permission to marry me. That also happened to be the same night that some idiot teenager hit my dad on his motorcycle. Crazy stuff. Well, we ended up getting engaged the next night at the Mesa temple.

 On to this summer, we were both living in QC and planning our August wedding. Things weren't even close to perfect. There were plenty of warning signs, and I saw them. None of them were quite alarming enough on their own, but they definitely made me question and made my parents worry.

 I guess my first sign should have been his previous relationship with my friend. Things ended pretty badly between them with accusations of abuse and manipulation. I just chalked it up to a clash of personalities. Now that everything is said and done, I can definitely see all the same parallels between her relationship and mine. I thought I was seeing a different person, but I guess it just took longer for him to really be himself.

 Things were really rough this summer. We spent every waking moment together with the exception of work or sleep, sometimes sacrificing both. He basically lived at my house. Normally that wouldn't be such a problem, but I basically wasn't allowed to do anything else. If I spent time wedding planning with my mom without him, I was accused of choosing my family over my fiancé and if I spent more than a few hours out with friends I received a 'friendly' phone call beckoning me back home for one reason or another. I spent 3 months basically walking on eggshells, making sure that I gave him enough personal time and attention at the expense of spending time with my family and other friends.

 When things didn't quite go as he wanted there would be a big fight. We spent a good amount of time having stupid arguments over the same things, over and over. It was exhausting!

 My parents were really worried throughout all of this. There were many nights that they sat me down in their bedroom and we just talked all night. They could see that I wasn't happy and they were really concerned about me and my decision to go through with the wedding. Throughout all of it, they still remained supportive of me and my decisions, but I could tell that they were Really Worried.

 With every fight we had, they would urge me to consider postponing the wedding. Obviously, Nick was very against the idea every time I brought it up. Our relationship would go through cycles. We would have a huge fight, things would blow up, I would talk about postponing, he would make promises that things would get better, and they would for a little while, then we'd be right back where we had started.

 This cycle sound familiar? Yeah, I know.

 Things finally hit the boiling point the week before the wedding. We were fighting constantly over the Exact Same Things we had been arguing over months prior. I just gave up. I couldn't do it anymore, I was exhausted and nowhere nearly as happy as a girl should be the week before her wedding. That night I stayed up talking to my parents for hours, agonizing over this decision I had to make. It was FIVE DAYS before my wedding.

 Everything was set, I had the pictures, the dress, the flowers, everybody was coming from all over the country. It was one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make. I had spent my whole wedding budget, I had so many people coming and I had already called in so many favors.... but I wasn't happy.  And I realized that I couldn't do this for eternity.

 More importantly, I didn't WANT to.

 So I called it off.

 I hadn't committed to anything yet, and I didn't have to. My mother reassured me that people would understand and that nobody would blame me. She also told me that the money didn't matter, she was more concerned for my eternal happiness than throwing a wedding.

 My parents were my source of strength throughout this whole ordeal. I couldn't have done any of this without their constant love and support. I am so lucky to have such amazing parents. I can't say that enough. And my mother was right. Everything worked out.

It sure wasn't easy. I definitely don't recommend calling off a wedding less than a week before. I had to return all of my shower gifts, return as much of the decorations and extra stuff as could, and worst of all I had to deal with the judgmental looks of all the people around me.

 In the end though, it was the best decision for me. I have had so many women come up to me and tell me how brave they thought I was, and how they wished they had the same strength to do the same thing before their own weddings. A lot of divorced women told me that. I think that's when I really owned up to my own decision, when I realized that all I had gone through was so much better than the alternative of being married, fighting for years, just to end in divorce.

  Moral of the Story: I can do hard things. I know that my Father in Heaven challenges me because he loves me and he also knows something I don't. This experience has made me stronger, and while I wouldn't recommend this to Anyone; I have definitely learned from it. All in all, it helped to me gain a better understanding of who I really am and appreciate my family more than I already did. I seriously have the best parents ever.

Soooo......

Holy Goodness! It's been almost a year since I've posted. I suck! SOOOO much has happened in 2012 I can't believe it. Life has settled down enough that I feel confident enough to start posting regularly. 

{I'm sure you're thinking: PSHHH... Yeah right hahah}

 Well I'm going to try REALLY hard this go around at least.

 I know I do this every year, but honestly I just want a place where I can just express what's going on in my crazy life and running through my head that I can share with people if/when they're interested and have to look back on in the future.

 Having said that, I have A LOT of ground to cover... Brief overview:

 -Second Week of my second to last semester of college. {Senior baby!!}
 -new apartment, new roomies, and I'm loving it!
 -super easy class schedule, we're talking TWELVE WHOLE CREDITS oh yeah!
 -I am a single lady, yes I called off the wedding of the century. {more on that later} 
-My amazing not-so-little bro is on a plane to Peru as we speak.
 -Mom is still in nursing school. {last semester!}
 -My Daddy was in a pretty bad motorcycle accident on duty back in April and he's recovering quite well all things considered.

 Ummm... I think that's all the big stuff. Still plodding along with my degree. Only 9 months left! I can't believe it. And I have absolutely NO IDEA what I'm going to do after. Just kind of crossing my fingers that something magical comes into my life in the meantime and I figure stuff out. I know that Heavenly Father has a plan though, so everything will work out, I just have to be patient.

 In the meantime I'm just going to school, attending as many institute activities as I can, reading lots and just hanging out with whoever I can. Super exciting I know ;)

Dear Girlfriend,

So it's been a year. A whole year since I've seen your beautiful face. A year since you've been a part of my life. 365 day since I've been able to tell you, "Girlfriend, you are the best!"

I miss you. My life hasn't been quite the same since I left, since I've been without you in my life.

I don't like it. I don't like that I wasn't the one to comfort you when he left, to tell you that he never deserved you, that you can do better. I don't like that I wasn't one of the first people you called after your accident. I don't like being strangers anymore. I miss hearing all the little details about your day. I miss your adorable cardigans and tiny heels you always insist on wearing. I miss all our movie nights and girl talk.

A year is way to long.

So I'm giving up, I'm putting aside my pride and breaking the silence. I don't care what happened a year ago, it's not important anymore and honestly, it's all in the past.

I just really miss our friendship, and I really miss you.

So this is my peace offering, I want to be your best friend again.

I want to go back to the way we were before stupid drama got in the way.

So what do you say Girlfriend?

-The Girl with the Sunrise Smile

Okay, so I'll give you a real update....

Sorry, I'm in another thoughtful mood, so I just wanted to post something to commemorate 11/11/11. Wish I were doing something more memorable tonight, or at least with someone. Oh well, this isn't a pity party. More like a homework party with Pandora and my heated blanket. Oh homework, when will you ever end? {The answer is in 4 weeks actually} :) The semester has flown by this year. You will hear no complaints about it from this girl either!

I will say that it's been a little rough this fall. Lots of changes and lots of work. School is keeping me busy. I am wrapping up my fifth semester at NAU next month. Only three more to go! I am still majoring in Psychology with a minor in Photography. It's a weird combo, I know. I love people and I love my camera, so why not do both? Honestly I just really want to be a photographer, but I figured if I was going to spend four years at a university, I might as well get a degree in something I might need, as opposed to photography. Nobody needs a 4 year degree to take good pictures. [at least I hope not in my case}

It's my goal to open my own studio after graduation. Eventually I want to be able to design invitations and announcements as well. {wish me luck}

So I'm sure you want to hear about what I've been up to.

Well lately....

-Still working as an RA on campus in an all girls hall. It's time consuming and overly dramatic at times, but I work with some great people, so it's a lot of fun usually.

-been taking lots of cool pictures lately, remind me to share sometime. I've been planning my final portfolio for this semester, and if it turns out how I have it in my head, it's going to be pretty awesome.

-School has been kicking my butt this semester. Remind me to never take online classes ever again. {worst idea ever}

- It's getting pretty cold up here in Flagstaff. We got about six inches of snow last weekend. So I made a huge snowman with some of my residents and he was awesome. I find myself actually wishing for more snow. Crazy I know! I'm still a valley girl when it comes to summer, but there's just something about snowfall that's so beautiful.

Well I better get back to doing homework, the evil mistress that perpetually haunts me these days.

{1 week till Thanksgiving Break and Turkey Death Day}

Make a Wish!

So as everybody knows, today is November 11, 2011 {11/11/11}

On a Friday too, How amazing is that! A day full of epic wishes...

So in honor of that, I will share with you eleven wishes of mine, not necessarily today's {it wouldn't come true if I told you} but some other things I've been wishing for lately, however crazy they may be.

1. Strength
I wish for the strength to get through the rough days with a smile on my face, to push through those hard times and keep my chin up no matter what life dishes up.

2. Faith
I wish for faith to know that things will get better, faith to know that I'm where I'm supposed to be right now.

3. Hope
I wish for hope to look forward to the future, to hope for brighter days, hope for the best.

4. Courage
Courage to stand up for what I believe in, courage to make the right decisions though they may be difficult, courage to keep up my journey to a better place.

5. Love
I wish for love to be my guiding force, true and amazing love that I hope to find one day. Love for my family friends. I wish for the ability to love all things, even the difficult ones.

6. Brilliance
I wish for brilliance to spark my mind and heart, to light up my days and start a fire within my soul.

7. Safety
Like many, I wish for safety for my friends and family, especially those far from me.

8. Laughter
I wish for my life to be filled with laughter everyday because a day without that is a waste of precious time.

9. Clarity
I wish for clarity in my life, especially at this time of big decisions ahead.

10. Peace
I wish for peace, especially as the holidays approach. I wish for peace to enjoy these special moments with my family, especially because next year will be so drastically different. I wish for peace to accept these changes as they come with an open heart.

11. This is my wish for a good year, for opportunities to learn and grow, develop my talents, maybe make my business take off, meet new people.

There's one more 11:11 11/11/11 left today, last one for a thousand years. I hope you all make it count.

A Note from Daddy....

So I was flipping through one of my old writing notebooks from high school, back when I thought I was cool for writing angst-y poetry. ha ha But as I was leafing through all my memories of 2009, I happened upon this note my Dad wrote me on a particularly dramatic and emotional Sunday two years ago.

You are way too sensitive.

What's wrong? No Friends?

You always have me.

I'll always love you and be your friend.

You realize I'm willing to listen to you and offer constructive criticism. Even when you don't want to hear it. And it's always sincere and what I believe is best for you, even if you can't see it at the moment. I know you are not happy with me at the moment, but I do love you, just like your Heavenly Father loves you. And he does not always give us what we want, but what we actually need. Even if it's not fun or hurts at the moment. What you need to remember is that it is always for our best and that somebody when you can look back and see the whole picture you will realize just how much I loved you. So buck up and try to be happy. "And this too shall pass"

Love ya,

Dad

I wonder if he even remembers writing this to me so long ago... I still teared up a little bit as I read his sarcastic yet endearing note telling me to buck up. I guess that passes for love in my house. ;) Just kidding I still think it's really sweet, and especially true.

We're not always given what we want, but what we need.

Definitely some food for though for me these days. I'm so blessed right now, our Father really does know our needs, even if we don't.

Some things I learned over a bowl of bad chinese food...

First of all, hello again blogland! It has been quite a while since I have posted, but I am finally back from my summer hiatus and I've missed you all. :) My goal is to start posting regularly again. (but that's always been my goal hasn't it?) Well I will do my best to find time to inform you all of my mundane and hair brained life as I tackle school, work, life, love, and family.

So I just ended my forth week of the fifth semester at Northern Arizona University. Plainly put, I'm a month into my junior year. YESSSSS! I'm just ready to graduate and do my own thing, no more papers, no more analyzing minute rhetorical devices, no more psychological research! Augh! This semester has been crazy stressful already if you haven't' noticed... I'm taking my junior level writing and research methods class this semester and it is MURDER! The lab is Tuesday nights from 7 to 9 PM and every Tuesday I contemplate switching majors or just quitting school in general. It's that rough.

But I know I will be okay. I realized something today while I was eating crappy chinese food sitting in the union by myself, contemplating life.

I can do this!

I have a Father in Heaven that loves me, an older brother that would do anything for me, and an eternal family that's always there for me. I am blessed, and I will make it through this trial in my life with faith and perseverance.

Seems like common sense right? haha, guess I just have to figure it out on my own first for it to sink in. :)

But while I'm challenged with my own weaknesses I know there are plenty of people out there that love me and I'll be okay.

And while I sit here watching all my friends get engaged, married, and have babies without me, my day is coming. My perfect guy is just getting ready for me. This is my time right now, my time to be a little selfish and do just what I want. Stay up late, eat junk food, go on adventures, just do things for me. And I'm going to ENJOY IT!

I'm going to be happy!

And I realized today that the only person that can make this decision is me. (I think I knew it all along) So I will smile everyday and be grateful for my amazing blessings and all that I have, all the friends and family, the ability to get a good education and broaden my horizons, my job that helps pay for school and all the other amazing things in my life.

I am blessed and everyday spent not enjoying it is one more day wasted that I will never get back.

So thank you for following along with my personal revelation today. Hope you enjoyed the ride. ;) And I promise this won't be the last time you hear from me....

Until then....

<3 Keara